I had hoped that my favourite Police Blogger (Constable Chaos) would write a blog post on this subject but when I put the idea to him he refused saying it wasn't "Chaotic" enough for his blog. Crazy really as most of his blog posts (when he is not busy narrowly missing causing Diplomatic Chaos with the Olympic Squads of other countries - No, Chaos, I have not forgotten that even if it was 3 years ago) talk about what it is like to be a Police Officer in the UK - as well as showing what I feel a Police Officer should be like.
So I decided to tell you how to program my ideal Police Officer.
Take one Police Officer fresh off the Production Line. The Officer should have all their knowledge of the Laws of the country they are in already downloaded into their CPU (or brain). Unfortunately, you may now find that some compatability issues have now developed with the original "Human" Operating System. Find (and install) some Security Software and scan the Officer prior to continuing. Do this at regular intervals duing this procedure so you can iron out any problems as they occur. Ensure Partition between "Police Officer" software and "Human" Operating System offers adequate protection to any vulnerable people the Officer may encounter.
First stage of programming is to ensure the Officer has their "Friendliness" App suitably upgraded and in working order. This should be part of their "Human" Operating System but it can get corrupted if not installed correctly. This is the one piece of Programming which can cause the most conflicts between the Software and the Operating System. If this App is functioning correctly the Officer should smile and greet any humans they come into contact with in a friendly manner (unless they have been forced to arrest or detain them for some reason). During normal interactions with law-abiding humans the Officer should display the ability to smile, laugh, and joke with the law-abiding humans. Making the law-abiding humans display signs that they are in any way nervous of - or even scared of - the Officer is an indication that there is a major malfunction in the programming and the Officer should immediately be returned to the factory for repair (untrained personnel should not attempt to repair a malfunctioning Police Officer as it could prove fatal to both the Officer and the personnel).
The next stage is to install the Language Translation App. This should ensure the Officer selects the correct language for the situation they find themself in. Usually this App only has to translate between the "Police" Language and the Native Language of the Officer concerned - however, there are Plugins available which will allow the Officer to translate between "Police" and a selection of Languages. (These Plugins are most useful when the Officer is intended to be put to work in areas where more than one language is spoken.)
Next we get to the really interesting stage.
Now we need to install the "Open Source" App. Now - unlike in most cases, the "Open Source" name does not indicate the App has been designed by some Not-for-Profit Organisation to infect Law-Abiding Humans with viruses (such as hatred of the Police). The purpose of this App is to ensure that the Officer has the ability to both recieve information from a variety of sources and to transmit information in such a way that Law-Abiding Humans do not feel threatened or otherwise inconvenienced. This App should ensure that the Officer makes themself visible and available when on duty using whatever means possible (Social Media, Pop Up Police Stations, their own feet instead of cars, etc). This will enable Law-Abiding Humans to trust the Officers.
If all the above programming has been correctly installed your Police Officer should be ready to deal with Humans in a caring and friendly way and those who deal with them will leave feeling happy.
Yes - I know there are several Police Officers on Twitter who already have the programming installed and working. However, with the cuts in the Police Forces (as well as the changes in Pay and Conditions which are being imposed in the UK and Holland) I am worried that the numbers will decrease and the Good Cops will leave the Service - causing more and more stressed, grumpy, over-worked (and possibly corrupted) Officers to patrol our streets whilst, in reality having fewer Officers.
I make no apology for openly supporting our Police Officers whereever in the world they happen to work. Yes - there are some bad apples around and, unfortunately, the bad ones seem to hit the headlines the most whilst the good ones just get on with their jobs mostly without thanks.
So I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all the hardworking Good Police Officers and send you all a virtual BIG HUG.
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