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Being Me (Or An Attempt At An Explanation)

This is probably going to be a slightly strange blog post (and it could be a bit difficult for some of you to read). I am going to mix in some stuff about things which have been happening to me recently – as well as trying to explain my attitude towards my current escapade (and if you think you have read what is about to follow before on Facebook I would suggest you keep reading anyway because you may be surprised).


I have always been fascinated by people who come with a slight “twist” - you know – that one thing which sets them apart from the rest of the population. I just seem to gravitate towards them and feel more comfortable with them more quickly than the “normal” run-of-the-mill people in Society.


What fascinates me the most about them is how on Earth they ended up in my orbit – more to the point – why they ended up there. I believe every human can teach us something (we might not know what it is immediately).


I can remember two conversations I had with two different humans of the Male Species on the subject of their lives. One was an ex-Heroin Addict (he was the kindest man I have ever met) and the other one introduced himself to me as “Hi, I'm Andy, I have Depression, Psychosis, and I have attempted suicide”.


Seeing as neither human had done anything to harm me I was comfortable in their presence – and I would never judge someone on their past anyway. What matters to me is – are you likely to damage me in any way??? If I think the answer is “yes” I will remove myself from your presence rather more rapidly than you might expect.


People's minds and attitudes are a constant source of amazement to me. I love reading books where the reasons behind things are explained. I also love reading about how different circumstances can affect different people in different ways.


For example I have recently read a book called “Confessions of a Sociopath” which was written by a non-Criminal Sociopath. In a funny way it actually went some way towards explaining my attitude towards the challenges I face. Before you start to worry – I had better tell you that (according to the checklist in the book) I am not a Sociopath. However, I could see similarities between how the Author manages to disconnect him or herself from situations and people which are no longer beneficial to them and how I have always treated any challenges I face.


I prefer dealing with problems on my own, in my own way, and in my own time. I may appear to have the strangest way of going about it at times (as well as a tendency to turn a really terrible situation into a joke as often as I can) but that is just me. I operate on the principle that – as long as I manage to achieve my objective and nobody gets damaged along the way – it is going to be OK.


There is one thing I need in order to be able to do this. I need a reliable source of information I can trust. If I am reliant on humans to help me I need to be able to feel like I can treat them in the same way as I treat my friends as much as possible. Ask seemingly stupid questions, make jokes, etc.


One thing I have an absolute hatred of is those people who act like they are the great “I AM”. As in those people who think they should be obeyed no questions asked. Let me ask questions and I will be able to cooperate with you – answer my question with “Because I said so” and all bets are off – especially if my life is involved.


Before I continue I want to share something which might help you understand some things I am about to discuss.


You could say that Cancer is not exactly a stranger to my family. In fact, I feel sorry for my Dad – his Dad, Mum, Mother-in-law, and wife all had it in one form or another. In fact, the only one of those four who didn't actually die of Cancer was my Dad's Mum.


My Mum was the scenario which passed through my mind when Glenfield Hospital decided to set the Palliative Care Nurses on to me. She was told in January 2007 that she had terminal cancer and by mid February 2007 she had died. Now, Glenfield were not to know about my Mum in advance of my diagnosis but not immediately giving me an “Expiry Date” or a “Best Before” date was worse than the diagnosis itself. It wasn't until my first appointment with the Oncologist that I found out I have three to four years on this planet (ironically – because nobody told me before that appointment I was actually under the impression I would be dead before I got to see an Oncologist of any description – it took nearly a month to see her).


If you have ever met my Mum you will know we are similar in lots of ways – we will both make sure you are happy before concentrating on ourselves. We will also make light of any serious situation we find ourselves in. Cancer diagnosis??? Heart Failure Diagnosis??? Only a minor inconvenience – nothing serious to worry about.


(The funny thing about it is if you were to look at my scans – and read the letter from my Cardiologist to the Oncologist – I shouldn't be able to move. However, to watch me you probably would think “why is she lying about having Heart Failure??? She is wandering around perfectly OK!!!”)


To be perfectly honest – I am treating the Heart Failure and the Cancer in exactly the same way as I treat my sight. Unless they cause me problems (or I am being viewed by Medical Professionals or taking my tablets) they are minor inconveniences to me.


I have always had that attitude towards my sight anyway – it is everybody else who has got the problem not me. After all, I know my own limits – other people don't unless they have seen me in action (and most of the time they won't realise how bad my sight really is. I have been shocked by the amount of my friends who have read my blog and had not previously had the faintest idea how bad my sight really is – I apparently move among you undetected).


My favourite comment was something someone said to me in person. Their husband had read one of my Facebook statuses out to them and had obviously decided I had lost the plot. This was after my most recent MRI scan. It is not my fault that the husband in question plays drums in church – it is not even my fault that that was the first thing which came into my head when I was in the scanner and all I could hear in the righthand side of my head was someone playing on a drumkit. Put two and two together and you come out with the husband playing drums in my head (or at least I did).


Don't worry – my mind can throw up all kinds of apparently illogical logic. “Only Connect” is too easy when it comes to some of the connections my brain makes between apparently random things.


Being able to make a joke out of my situation has actually made it easier for me to deal with. If I couldn't joke about feeling like a bus (“Power System Pressures OK”) or “Jump-lead tests” (also known as ECGs) I would be seriously depressed. I especially love it when other people accidentally tune in to my sense of humour – like when I went to see the Heart Failure Nurse.


Somehow the words “Heart Failure Nurse” turned into “Heat Failure Nurse” when they got on to the Church Notice Sheet. My Facebook status on Tuesday morning played on that with absolute delight. “I am a bit confused as to where I should be going this afternoon – the calendar on my mobile phone says I have got an appointment with a Heart Faliure Nurse but the notice sheet at Sutton appears to suggest my appointment should be with an Engineer. Apparently there is such a thing as a “Heat Failure Nurse”??? I know I make jokes about feeling like a bus and jump-lead tests but I am a HUMAN. If my personal (built in) heating system packs up I would expect to find myself in a hospital not a garage or a vehicle servicing centre”.


I am just wondering what the 24 hour tape test will bring next week. More fun I hope.


Oh – before I go – I found out today that I have been awarded the Enhanced Rate for Personal Care and Mobility for my Personal Independence Payments (PIP). It should be in my Bank on the 18th of September. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts.

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