This post was actually inspired by one of those quizzes you find on Facebook. The quiz was called "How Much Do You Hate Yourself?" (The answer the quiz came up with was far removed from reality. It was too positive.)
I know I can be many things to many people (depending on what mood I am in at the time). I can be the most annoyingly loud human you have ever met or you might end up wondering where to find a magic tin-opener so you can get me to open up and actually speak to you.
One thing you may be surprised to learn is that I am not the most confident person on Planet Earth. I also find it extremely difficult to accept compliments which are based on something about me as a person. My shoes or clothes are things I will accept compliments on - things like "bravery" or my writing are the dodgy ground,
Before this escapade started I always felt like I had to compete with everyone else - even when there were mitigating circumstances which meant I couldn't do what they did or get what they had in terms of friendship, treatment, etc.
I always looked for the "But" behind a "well done" - as in "Well Done - but you could have/should have..." This may sound strange but nobody judges me to a higher standard than I judge myself. I want to be exactly like everybody else - do what they can do, be judged by the same standards, etc. Not for me the "we have to make allowances because of her sight - she can't do what we can" - if "she" is determined to do something "she" will get it done in whatever way possible. Stubbornness is one Dutch trait I am very proud to admit to.
The biggest change is the fact I actually feel more comfortable as me. I can actually allow myself to play by my own rules. That might sound strange to you but I am much happier knowing that I can be who I am and not have to worry about whether or not I match up to the expectations of others (most of the time I don't match up anyway).
A byproduct of that is no longer feeling like I have to conform to everybody else's standards. I can guarantee that someone somewhere will find something odd about me. It has got to the stage where I smile on the inside whenever someone tells me I am not following the guidelines set out in their textbooks (especially when it comes to either my sight or my ability to keep wandering around without getting out of puff).
The really nice thing is that I don't feel I have to do anything I don't have the energy for. I must admit that took some getting used to. I gave up going to a couple of things because I couldn't take the stress any more. I spend more time with my own thoughts now - and I am quite content with that.
The only thing I would really like to change is being able to go back to being able to go out for one day after another after another. This has been drastically reduced (especially if my week involves a medical or hospital appointment - Hospitals are very tiring).
Well - I suppose I am still here and that is the main thing. Trust me - there were times when I seriously thought I wouldn't last this long. (Not being able to breathe without being attached to an oxygen supply concentrates the mind somewhat, so does a Cancer diagnosis with no Expiry Date - but you are told you will definitely expire from it. Then being told that your heart has been replaced by an enlarged collander. What really finished me off was being informed exactly how low my heart rate goes at night when I am asleep - If I thought about that I could become extremely scared to go to sleep.)
I will keep taking each day as it comes - that is the only thing I can do. I hope to keep taking you along with me.
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