|This post was actually inspired by one of those quizzes you find on Facebook. The quiz was called "How Much Do You Hate Yourself?" (The answer the quiz came up with was far removed from reality. It was too positive.)|
I know I can be many things to many people (depending on what mood I am in at the time). I can be the most annoyingly loud human you have ever met or you might end up wondering where to find a magic tin-opener so you can get me to open up and actually speak to you.
One thing you may be surprised to learn is that I am not the most confident person on Planet Earth. I also find it extremely difficult to accept compliments which are based on something about me as a person. My shoes or clothes are things I will accept compliments on - things like "bravery" or my writing are the dodgy ground,
Before this escapade started I always felt like I had to compete with everyone else - even when there were mitigating circumstances which meant I couldn't do what they did or get what they had in terms of friendship, treatment, etc.
I always looked for the "But" behind a "well done" - as in "Well Done - but you could have/should have..." This may sound strange but nobody judges me to a higher standard than I judge myself. I want to be exactly like everybody else - do what they can do, be judged by the same standards, etc. Not for me the "we have to make allowances because of her sight - she can't do what we can" - if "she" is determined to do something "she" will get it done in whatever way possible. Stubbornness is one Dutch trait I am very proud to admit to.
The biggest change is the fact I actually feel more comfortable as me. I can actually allow myself to play by my own rules. That might sound strange to you but I am much happier knowing that I can be who I am and not have to worry about whether or not I match up to the expectations of others (most of the time I don't match up anyway).
A byproduct of that is no longer feeling like I have to conform to everybody else's standards. I can guarantee that someone somewhere will find something odd about me. It has got to the stage where I smile on the inside whenever someone tells me I am not following the guidelines set out in their textbooks (especially when it comes to either my sight or my ability to keep wandering around without getting out of puff).
The really nice thing is that I don't feel I have to do anything I don't have the energy for. I must admit that took some getting used to. I gave up going to a couple of things because I couldn't take the stress any more. I spend more time with my own thoughts now - and I am quite content with that.
The only thing I would really like to change is being able to go back to being able to go out for one day after another after another. This has been drastically reduced (especially if my week involves a medical or hospital appointment - Hospitals are very tiring).
Well - I suppose I am still here and that is the main thing. Trust me - there were times when I seriously thought I wouldn't last this long. (Not being able to breathe without being attached to an oxygen supply concentrates the mind somewhat, so does a Cancer diagnosis with no Expiry Date - but you are told you will definitely expire from it. Then being told that your heart has been replaced by an enlarged collander. What really finished me off was being informed exactly how low my heart rate goes at night when I am asleep - If I thought about that I could become extremely scared to go to sleep.)
I will keep taking each day as it comes - that is the only thing I can do. I hope to keep taking you along with me.
|There are three shops which are dangerous for me to walk into - basically because I never manage to walk out of them empty-handed.|
The shops are as follows;-
Waterstones - This Bookworm's favourite shop. Lots of interesting books (other shops which sell books are available). They even provide chairs to sit on as you read - all they need to do is provide drinks and snacks.
Primark - Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I love this shop because of the weird and wonderful bargains you can get in it. It is perfect for me because my idea of torture is going clothes shopping. Seeing as I don't actually mind what I look like (as anyone who has seen me in real life will tell you) I can get bargains that most people wouldn't touch with a bargepole. It is my favourite place for getting very cheap shoes. As someone whose primary mode of transport is a pair of size 6 (or 7 - depending on the style of shoe) feet I don't see the point in paying a lot of money for shoes or boots. Let's face it - I can walk through a pair of shoes costing £60.00 as quickly as I can walk through a pair of boots costing £3.00. The minute Primark start selling those trainers with the lightup rim around the soles in adult size 6 I will be very happy.
However, the most dangerous shop for me to go into is Red5 - an updated version of "The Gadget Shop". This is the ultimate heaven for me. It is a haven of electronic gadgets - as well as some other strange things which don't need a power supply. I currently appear to be addicted to those "Fidget" toys - spinners and things with buttons to press, things to slide, etc. Although I did come out of there with something very useful for getting my revenge on traffic.
Don't worry - this isn't something which can get me into trouble. it is a light which is currently on my bag. The light has a motion-sensor in it so it flashes on and off as the bag moves. This is most useful at night.
I must admit that the strangest thing I ever bought was not a gadget. It was a pair of earrings I bought several years ago from a Dutch shop called "HEMA" - they could have been used as Christmas tree decorations or cookie cutters (they were large hollow star shapes).
Unfortunately, the shop I really used to like having a nose around in closed down a few years ago. A Dutch shop called "Hans Textiel" was a great place to buy clothes with an "interesting" twist to them. I remember buying a shirt which had green and white checks on it (if you remember the "Pacer" chewy sweets - it made me look a bit like the wrapper of one of them).
What is the point of going shopping if you can't have fun whilst you are at it??? Next time you go shopping try to find something unusual.
|On Sunday I found out that one of my friends from Scribbles had died. This meant that Scribbles was cancelled for obvious reasons. However, I know that John Farnsworth's favourite exercise was to pick a word and get the group to write on it for 5 minutes. (The trick is to write whatever comes into your brain without thinking about it.) I have decided to do this exercise in his memory.|
Friendship is a strange concept because you never actually know you are in one before you are in it. There are good sides and bad sides to friendship - some can turn very nasty indeed but most leave you feeling cared for and wanted. That just about sums up the feeling I get from the bunch at Scribbles (as well as my other friends). You can also share in an activity without worrying what the other people think. Friendship is another way of being kind to someone in need of something - maybe a hug or a kind word. They say Love makes the world go around - but it starts with Friendship.
The above might not actually make one bit of sense to you but I timed myself for 5 minutes and that is what I came up with. It is a fun thing to do if you have got some time on your hands - and it giveyour brain a workout.