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You Don't Have To Be A Campaigner, Etc, To Make A Difference (Or - When The Disabled Have The Most Ability To Change The World)
3/30/2018 9:12:15 PM
You know something?  It feels weird whenever someone tries to make me out to a campaigner, an activist, or a teacher on the subject of sight problems.  I wouldn't class myself as any of those things for various reasons.  I am sorry but – to me they all have various negative connotations.  So how would I define myself???  Someone with sight problems who tries to educate people via writing about the challenges I face.
 
I know this blog probably wouldn't win any awards – I am quite surprised when people tell – not only me – other people how good they think my blog is in my earshot.  These people are all people I admire in one way or another for the work they do in their own area of expertise.
 
Recently I appear to have started to branch out a bit – without making any conscious effort to.  I have taken part in discussions on Twitter with an ever-revolving group of Police Officers (the discussion group is called “WeCops”) where I appear to have woken some of them up to the issues someone like me faces – as well as how they can alter things to make life easier for people like me.  Put it this way – I was quite astonished (and a bit annoyed) to see a video clip of a new Police car with its blue flashing lights going.  There was no sign of the annoying Alternating Flashing Headlights when the blue lights were flashing.  Why did this video annoy me a bit???  The car was not one owned by Leicestershire Police (I think it was Greater Manchester Police).
 
The most exciting thing I have done though involves a publishing company run by two friends of mine (as well as something else I am planning to do slightly separate from that but along the same lines).  Cynefin Road (the publishing company in question) publishes a free e-zine which I have contributed articles on various subjects to.  This time I did something a bit different – I submitted a suggestion for a topic.  I was pleasantly surprised when they took my idea up as even I admit it is a tricky subject to deal with if you don't want it to get hijacked by the well-meaning “sympathy” brigade.  The subject was (Dis)Ability.
 
I submitted a poem (which I will share with you in a bit).  The poem almost wrote itself in a way.  The first lines came into my head without me thinking about them.
 
Although it is primarily about my experiences of my sight I have shown it to a couple of my friends - who have other disabilities - and they said that they recognised the feelings in it.
 
I am very pleased that – not only are Cynefin Road going to publish it but it is also going to appear in the next edition of “Choice” Magazine which is published by the great people at LCiL.  To top it all off – if I am healthy enough (and the only two things which would stop me are another trip into hospital and/or my expiring full stop) I will be reading it at the “Choice UnLimited” Roadshow at the Tigers Ground, Welford Road, Leicester, on 10 April 2018.
 
For those of you who either cannot wait or cannot make it to the roadshow – don't worry – it is available below for you to read.
 
I am the forgotten, the ignored.
Please allow me to introduce myself,
I am your friendly local afterthought.
Never complaining as much as I probably should,
Only because I know you are so easily bored.
Trying to make my way through the neighbourhood,
The Manor of which you seem to have styled yourself as Lord.
 
Someone once said to me,
"It's your sight - it's your problem".
They don't understand so how can I blame them.
I can only hope to educate and make them see,
How they sometimes make life extremely difficult.
So much so that I had to grow up long before I became an adult.
 
My natural world is blurred and fluffy.
Put simply - without my glasses I cannot see clearly.
Even with them on I sometimes have to pay very dearly.
Grocery shopping can be a nightmare,
And when walking in the road I have to take great care.
 
However, and I mean this most sincerely,
Be very careful how you treat me.
I may not say very much,
But you will soon know,
Exactly how far I am prepared to let you go.
I see more than I say.
I go by actions - not words.
Please Sir, Madam, MP, or Lord of the Realm,
Are you going to help me,
Or just follow the herd???
I wish you wouldn't try to leave,
People like me in our personal version,
Of your nicely created Hell.
 
Trust me - given half a chance,
I could turn your life into a great expanse.
One filled with opportunities,
To help yourself as well as people like me.
 
There is a saying.
"No man is an island"!
We need to find a way of creating,
A world where everyone is treated equal.
Anything else is just like a house built of sand.
 
Reading this might have been tough.
But I bet you have never had it so rough,
As the forgotten, the ignored -
Never mind your friendly afterthought.
 
I might have a pair of glasses on my nose,
But them being some kind of miracle worker???
I think they must be on a "Go Slow".
I wish I could properly explain.
But I think you,
Would end up so confused,
That you would probably never speak to me again.
 
Yes - glasses help me see.
Including the discriminating con,
In those offers of "Buy one pair, get another pair free".
It is just not on.
Those offers are not open to me.
 
My glasses do help me see.
The gorgeous and the ugly people,
Who sit and stand around me.
The ones who help me automatically,
As well as the ones who watch  me struggle.
 
I have problems with angles,
As well as bright lights and the dark.
I keep waiting for a human Angel,
To realise being me is not such a nice walk in the park.
 
So, next time we meet,
Instead of commenting and complaining,
Because I am inconveniencing you.
Offer to help me,
Or ask what I need.
Just do not try feigning,
Your interest in me.
 
I am a sensitive soul,
Who can speak for herself.
All you need to do is truly listen.
Hear me when I end up needing your help.
 
Don't take over,
Let me advise.
You are the disabled one,
When it comes to dealing with my sight.
I haven't usually got the energy,
For the required mental fight.
 
I am no longer intending to be,
The forgotten, the ignored.
Or even the friendly local afterthought.
I am going to be me.
What that entails - you will just have to wait and see
Relaxation Is Not The Same For Everyone (Or - My Favourite Way Of Relaxing May Scare You)
3/30/2018 9:06:29 PM
Its funny how one person can be scared of an idea that another person can find to be the most relaxing concept in the world.  For example, any attempt at getting me anywhere within three feet of the back seat (pillion) of a moving motorcycle will result in me leaving the area rather more rapidly than usual – on foot.  However, I will happily watch TV programmes featuring people riding motorcycles (one of my favourite TV programmes is “The Hairy Bikers” after all).
 
If you ask people which sense they would least like to lose they will probably say their sight.  After all, sight and hearing are the two senses we use the most in our daily lives, aren't they???
 
So I bet I can confuse you totally – just by telling you one of the ways in which I relieve stress.  I take my glasses off.
 
I can hear you now - “But Inky you need your glasses to be able to see, don't you?”.  And your brain might be trying to work out how someone who cannot see clearly without their glasses much further than three centimetres from the end of their nose finds not wearing glasses relaxing.  Especially if you have got 20/20 vision.
 
What you have to remember is this – my natural world is blurry and fluffy.  Solid boundaries and edges do not exist in my natural world.  When I put my glasses on I am confronted by two sets of boundaries and solid edges – the ones on the objects I am looking at and the ones placed on my by Society – as in I feel I have to be as much like everybody else around me as I can.  The funny thing for me is that when I haven't got my glasses on I actually look like most of my friends but I am actually the least like them (well they can wander around without glasses on and not crash into anything or fall over – I can't).
 
My other forms of relaxation are mostly run-of-the-mill ones – reading, writing, and being near water, listening to music, etc.
 
There are two others which are kind of connected.
 
If you want to see me so laid back I am almost horizontal take me to Rotterdam (any part of The Netherlands will do but Rotterdam works the best).  That is my personal “safe space” both in my head and physically.  You can almost have the same effect if you give me something to read which is written in Dutch.
 
The other one is – find a Dutch person or a Glaswegian – complete with the accent - for me to speak to.  (Luckily I have got a friend who is Glaswegian and we speak every day on the phone.)  Why a Glaswegian???  If you slow them down enough you will find the speech pattern is the same as the Dutch one.
 
What do you do to help you relax?
 
We all need to take time out for ourselves.  If we don't we could end up with major problems regarding our Mental Health.
A "Mind Apple" A Day Keeps The Dr Away (Or - Why We Should All Take Care Of Our Mental Health)
3/30/2018 8:59:18 PM

On Wednesday evening I went to a rather interesting group which was run by my favourite Mental Health “Explainer” - Julian Harrison.  I say “Explainer” because he genuinely explains Mental Health in such a way that I feel I can ask questions and he will give answers in a language I can understand.

 
Julian's latest venture is a group called “Mind Apples” and it was a group which I felt very comfortable in.
 
The premise of “Mind Apples” comes from the old saying “An apple a day keeps the Doctor away”.  Yes – I know – you are probably thinking that you have to physically eat apples.  Apart from that – doesn't that saying only apply to physical health and not Mental Health???
 
Congratulations – you have hit the nail on the head.  We get bombarded with all kinds of tips and tricks to help us keep ourselves in tiptop physical condition but the Mental side of things seems to have been ignored for most people.  Until – of course - they develop really poor Mental Health and then everyone starts panicking.
 
“Mind Apples” wasn't a kind of “Alcoholics Anonymous” for those with poor Mental Health but it was a useful way of finding out how people deal with stress and what they do to calm themselves down when they feel stressed.
 
I am going to write about my ways of dealing with stress in another blog post.  What I will say is that my favourite method of relieving stress is counter-intuitive to most people.  I simply take my glasses off.  (For a fuller explanation and my other techniques see the blog post I am going to type on the subject.)
 
Not enough is said about how to prevent poor Mental Health.  We need people like Julian and Judith Critchley from “Loving Mental Health” to share their experiences and make talking about Mental Health (good or poor) seem normal.
 
I don't want to do Julian a disservice but I really think he makes more sense when he talks about Mental Health than most people because he has poor Mental Health himself.  He is also very open about it and how it affects him,  (In fact, if his book on a year with his Mental Health comes out on Kindle I will buy it and read it.  The book is called “A Year In Melancholia”.)
 

It is quite strange because I think Julian is a very inspirational person because he is the exact opposite of what you would expect someone with poor Mental Health to be like.  What I mean is – I remember being slightly scared of him when I first met him.  The best way I can describe him is – he looks like a very grumpy teddy bear but he is one of the kindest, most gentle, men I have ever had the privilege of calling a friend.

Control May Not Be Everything But Please Don't Try To Take It Away From Me (Or - I Want To Hit The Emergency Stop Button Instead Of Hitting You)
3/20/2018 10:00:34 PM
This may surprise you but I am usually reasonably easy going.  I don't lose my temper very easily but watch out when I do lose it - things can get very interesting (and not necessarily in a good way) for the person who has upset me.  Don't worry - I don't get physically violent with anybody, instead I get verbally violent (they get argued with to the point of them wanting me to disappear permanently).

The best ways to get me to lose it are to make me feel patronised and/or to make me feel as though you are trying to take control of me for whatever reason.

(I saw something on Facebook a while back which might give you a clue as to how best to deal with me in the event of you desiring to talk me into - or out of - something.  "I am Dutch - let's save time and you just agree I am right".  Well, I am half Dutch but the same still applies.)

I suppose my big thing about not surrendering control to anybody comes from never feeling I had control over my life when I was younger.  Authority figures usually seemed to make important decisions for me without actually involving me in the discussion.  I can still remember a couple of instances with a certain teacher (who will remain nameless) where I ended up feeling as though I might as well end it all for all the stress I ended up feeling nearly every single time I dealt with them at school.  I still haven't forgotten about the non-appearing computer (which would have been very helpful), or the time when they successfully (yet unknowingly) managed to convince me that my life was not worth living at that point in time by the simple action of telling me that I couldn't leave the school I was at - even though I knew for a fact that a boy two years above me had been transferred to the school I wanted to go to.  (Maybe the second incident was partly my fault because I wasn't confident enough to explain why I wanted to swap schools - bullying and an inability to cope with the way some of the teacher's colleagues were treating me were the main reasons.  Although I was pleased with myself for knocking the wind out of their sails.  They went from shouting at me to almost a stunned silence when I told them I wanted to leave.)

(I still felt nervous around them the few times I saw them after I left school.  There again - that might have had something to do with the fact I was on their "turf".)

As a result - you can advise me, you can gently "nudge" me towards the decision you would like me to make (in order for that to work you really have to make me think it is my decision - sometimes easier said than done).  However, the minute you tell me to do something or not to do it, my first reaction is going to be to go on the defensive and argue with you.  I will make it very easy for you to work out how best to argue with me when you have told me what you think I should do - just walk away in silence.  Don't bother trying to explain your side of the situation, don't bother giving me a list of reasons you think I might regret not following your "advice", just don't bother speaking to me until I decide to speak to you.  You never know - I may eventually come round to your way of thinking in my own time.  However, you will find out extremely quickly if I think you have tried to tell me what to do - even if that wasn't your exact intention.

Honestly?  Your best plan is to give me options.  I can work with options - especially if I can talk them through with you without you playing the Great I AM.  (This includes you apparently deciding how I am going to feel if I follow my intended course of action without allowing me to explain why I think you are wrong.  You may find out that I agree with you but for the exact opposite reason to the one you come up with.)

It was quite funny on Sunday when I was talking to one of my friends.  They reminded me of an offer they had made some time ago.  I didn't know how to tell them that I didn't feel pressured into taking up their offer - in fact - I felt like they were just being their usual kind and friendly self.  (I intend to take them up on the offer as it happens.)

Oh - the reason for me typing this blog post???  You can blame Dr Punch-up (sorry - Dr Panchal) of Glenfield Hospital for hitting just about every raw nerve I have got on the subject of being patronised and ordered around (not forgetting only allowing me to give half an answer to one of his questions - I nearly cheered when he looked at me after I had finished my answer and said "can I speak?".  That really cheered me up.).

Somewhere Out There Someone Really Tweets Sense (Or - Why I Think Sometimes The Quickfire "Slogans" Are The Best Ones)
3/20/2018 9:02:37 PM
I am lucky enough to have met nearly everybody who I admire in one way or another in person.  I say "nearly" everybody because there are a few people on my wishlist who I am highly unlikely to meet (either due to geographic location or due to the fact they are so famous I would be near the back of a very long queue of people).  Ironically - one person on that list happens to be someone who I am related to (I last saw this person over 20 years ago) and is the only human who could possibly cure me of my severe allergy to Medical Professionals - they are a Doctor.

Seeing as I am highly unlikely to meet Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora, Ford Kiernan, Greg Hemphill, Billy Connolly, Koen and Kris Wouters, or, Bill Bryson, I will have to be happy with those admirable people who I have met.

There is one person who I have "met" on Twitter - and it turned out that I missed meeting them in person by 24 hours last year - who I really wish I could meet in person (there are actually a few like him but I will explain why he is at the top of the list in a minute).

Some time back I blogged about a book called "Blue" by John Sutherland.  The book was about Policing with a large dose of Mental Health (his) thrown in.  I would highly recommend you read it - even if you are not remotely interested in the Police, it is well-written on the subject of his Mental Health.

Mr Sutherland was a Police Commander for the Metropolitan Police before he was forced to take Medical Retirement due to his Mental Health issues.  Well, actually, that is technically correct.  However, even though he retired he seems to be one of those "Blackpool Rock" professionals.  As in - even though the professional retires the job they were doing prior to retirement appears to be so ingrained into their psyche that if you were to metaphorically slice them up into little pieces you would see their profession written on every slice.  (I know a few people like that.)

I actually nicked the first part of the title of this blog post from him (with his permission).  If I had my way it would be the title of his second book as well.

Everybody has some kind of "hook" which gets me interested in them.  (Trust me - that is more true than you think.)  The best "hooks" are (obviously) connected with words.

I found Mr Sutherland on Twitter after someone had retweeted one of his "Somewhere out there a Police Officer..." tweets.  I cannot remember the rest of the tweet but I am sure it was something regarding some aspect of his job.

What caught me about the "Somewhere out there..." tweets was the fact that they were simple, to the point, but not in anyway "preachy" or "I am better than you because of my job".  In fact, from reading both Mr Sutherland's book and his blog posts, I get the idea that he is the most gentle man I could wish to meet.

I know I have tweeted this to him before but - "Somewhere out there a Member of the Public really admires you for the way you have connected with people and shared your experiences".



I Have Seen The Future And It Is An "Infinity Cube" (Or - The Best Alternative To A Book Of Stamps)
3/20/2018 8:28:05 PM
For those of you who are wondering what a book of stamps has to do with an "Infinity Cube" all I will say is - it is not in your interests to leave me alone with a book of stamps if I am bored,  The squares where the stamps are stuck will probably end up with their rims folded so you may encounter slightly more difficulty than usual when it comes to detaching the aforementioned stamps in preparation for attaching them to your desired envelope, etc.  The resulting "origami" will also probably greatly resemble an "Infinity Cube" when it is stretched out.  You have been warned!!!

Regular readers will probably know that I am a big fan of gadgets.  The more pointless the better.  Although, I couldn't quite see the point of the "Fidget Spinner" craze - I prefer my pointless gadgets to have at least some use rather than just spinning them.

I was looking on Amazon when I saw something which looked very interesting (so I bought three different varieties of it).  It was a cube which advertised itself as an "Infinity Cube".  Luckily it had photos to show what you could do with it.  Just think along the lines of the sliding glasses case which some people (including me) have - the one which you can slide open and shut with different colourschemes on each side???

The photo which really grabbed my attention was something like this one

Obviously that was not the original photo on Amazon - I took it on my bedside table.

That particular "Infinity Cube" looks like this when it comes out of the box


A four square by four square cube (photo taken on my bedside cabinet)

Yes - I know - I am extremely easily amused.  Just leave me folding and unfolding an "Infinity Cube" and you will keep me quiet for hours on end.  I suppose it could be because I have never seen the point in origami or anything which involves patience and dexterity (never mind halfway decent sight for peering at small things) - but I love just being able to open and fold things without feeling as though I have to "create" something as an end product.

If you are interested in "Infinity Cubes" they are available at all sorts of prices - from cheap plastic to unbreakable aluminium.  The one in the photos above was one of the cheapest ones - I also bought an aluminium one (which is just blank cubes inside and out) and one which is a bit of a strange take on a Rubik's cube made out of plastic.
Scary Wasn't The Word (Or - An Apology And Health Update)
3/20/2018 7:55:41 PM
I only went for an appointment with a Cardiologist - I didn't expect to come back out of hospital permanently three weeks later!!!

Right now your friendly Blogger is feeling very guilty for not posting anything on here for the past month and a bit.  It was my original intention to post a blog after my appointment with my Cardiologist - except I had not got my laptop with me at that time and it turned out that being attached to a wall by your nose isn't exactly conducive for blogging anyway (particularly when you are having severe trouble breathing on your own).

Please accept my apologies for the sarcasm but - it has honestly been one of those situations where if I am not sarcastic about it I will probably offer myself up as target practice for one or two Firearms Officers I know from Twitter to put me out of my misery.

The ironic thing was I actually learned that my heart's function/capacity has increased somewhat - it is now 45% in the left side and 25% in the right side.  (Considering that 50% is considered to be "normal" optimum capacity for each side my left side isn't too bad.)

Anyway. I realised I had a bit of a slight problem when I was trying to get to my appointment.  Correction - I realised I had a bit of a problem when I was trying to get to the bus stop in the video I posted in the blog post about me and sunshine.  I felt "puffy"- almost to the same point I was before I was admitted last year.

I had planned it so I could go to the Oncology Department at Leicester Royal Infirmary to pick up some Bloodtest forms (which I needed for the next week) then catch a bus to Glenfield Hospital to go to my appointment.  Well - I kind of managed to do that.  Just not at my normal speed.  In fact, I felt so bad that I ended up doing something which I hate it when other people do it - I caught a bus between two bus stops within 30 metres of each other (I usually think people are lazy when they do that).

Anyway - I got to Glenfield approximately an hour before my appointment time (this is very unsual for me).  When it came to getting my blood pressure measured I got very scared (but I didn't say anything to anyone) - from what I remember my blood pressure at that point was 134.  Not only is this very high for me - it is high for most people at rest.

Then I saw Dr Chin (Cardiologist) - who gave me the good news about my heart.  Unfortunately I told him about some symptoms I had been having at night (waking up unable to breathe full stop one night and waking up - going to the loo, going back to bed, then feeling like I was not long for this world whilst gasping for breath).  Dr Chin didn't like the sound of that very much so he sent me for a chest xray - on foot.  When I arrived back in his office I had difficulty breathing - so he subjected me to a Blood Sats check - that came up at 88% (anything under 90% gets you free bed and board in a hospital), then he got me to do a "Peak Flow" test (before he did the "Peak Flow" test he did say that he was trying not to admit me - that didn't work).  So I ended up being admitted into Glenfield Hospital.  I didn't mind that bit - what I did mind, however, was being told it could either be a blood clot on the lung (potential immediate death) or asthma (potential not-so-immediate death).  My English Grandma had had asthma and she seemed to cope with it.  (Remember the Asthma thing - we will come back to it later.)

To cut a very long story short - it turned out that the original cause of my breathlessness was actually fluid in the lung (potentially caused by the cancer - the words "Lymph fluid" were mentioned).  This was drained.  You won't be surprised to learn how relieved I was that it was only 600 millilitres and not the "500 litres" which I originally misheard the amount as.

Then I was discharged.  This turned out to be a major mistake.  Luckily Glenfield had done themselves (and me) a major favour by booking me a Dr's appointment for the day after I was discharged.  (I should have had my implant implanted and my Vitamin D injection injected on the day I was discharged but Glenfield didn't have them in stock so they talked to the surgery and booked the appointment.)

I got home feeling absolutely fine.  Then I went to bed and started to have trouble breathing again.  I put this down to the usual thing of "come out of hospital - go downhill and then start recovering properly" - except it didn't quite turn out like that.

I didn't sleep very well the night I was discharged.  In fact - I had the worst night's sleep I have ever had.  I eventually got what I call "proper" snooze between 6am and 9.45am the next morning.  My appointment for my injection and implant was at 11.50am - and I had to go to the Chemist's and attempt to collect both the injection and the implant on my way to the surgery (the surgery is across the road from the Chemist's).  There were two major red flags which alerted me to the fact that I might not exactly have been functioning at 100% at that point.  These were (1) I ended up clinging to lampposts so I could catch my breath whilst walking up the hill (usually I can walk it in a matter of minutes without stopping) and I had to prop myself up against the counter whilst I was waiting to be served.  (2) When I found out that the injection hadn't turned up I didn't have either the energy or the breath to argue with the staff in the Chemist's (if you have read my Facebook statuses you will know that I usually argue and have a go at them if my prescriptions are not available when I expect them to be).

Then I made my way to the Surgery.  The nurse who implanted the implant took one look at me and decided I was not really in a fit state for anything.  She told me I sounded "wheezy" and I obviously had trouble breathing.  She spoke to the Dr who gave me two doses of Sabutamol and promptly attached me to an oxygen tank - before calling an ambulance.  (After the Sabutamol I actually felt as though I could have walked back home.  Thank goodness I didn't.)

The "fun" part came when I was installed in the ambulance.  Apparantly, Glenfield didn't have any spaces for trollies when I was due to go straight there.  So, the next question was - how am I going to be transported to A & E at Leicester Royal Infirmary???  I could go as a "blue lights" case or I could go as what I classify as a "van" case.  Apparantly, had I not been stable when attached to the wall of the ambulance by my nose (on oxygen in other words) I would have been a "blue lights" case.  Phew.

What really upset me was the fact that one of the Drs in A & E told me that I might be going home instead of to Glenfield.  Why was I so upset by this???  At that point I was on 8 litres per minute of oxygen and I actually was at the point where even I admitted that a hospital was the best place for me.  Let's just say that I hate hospitals with a passion you can only dream of - and getting me to admit I should actually be admitted into one really means that things are extremely serious (to the point of "potentially life-threatening").

Eventually, I got a chest xray (they thought that the fluid might have come back into the lung they had drained).  I had discounted the return of the fluid for one very simple reason - the timespan between the draining and the recurrence of the symptoms was too great (when the fluid came back into my chest last year after the initial drainage I had severe difficulty breathing after 12 hours instead of over 24 hours).

I was working on the (eventually proved 95% certain) assumption that it was in fact asthma which had caused my readmission.  More to the point - I was actually working on the assumption (which was also proven correct) that the readmission could have been prevented by fitting me up with at least one inhaler before I was originally discharged.  The inhalers were actually mentioned on my original discharge letter - I just hadn't seen any, let alone touched any.  (There again - the discharge letter admitted that it had "been typed from notes instead of seeing the patient".)

Just to confuse both me and the situation completely there was a question mark as to whether or not it was actually asthma or something called "Cardiac Asthma" - which is when seemingly asthma symptoms show up as a result of Heart Failure.

Eventually, I was given the diagnosis that it was indeed a 95% chance of being asthma (am now waiting for further tests) as well as two inhalers (hooray).

Now I am just waiting for the tests to prove whether or not it is asthma - as well as the next appointment with my Oncologist.

I did take it easy for the first few days after I came out of hospital - then I got bored of being at home and decided to go into town for a while today.  I survived the experience better than I thought I would - no breathing troubles, no exhaustion, etc.  Don't worry - I am not planning on doing any marathon trips for the next couple of weeks.

If you are one of my friends I would like to take this opportunity to send you a BIG THANK YOU HUG for your support and friendship during this escapade.  Yes - I know I may sound like a broken record but it really means a lot to know I have got people standing next to me.


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